Do you know what grooming behavior is?
In the skeevy, underbelly, predatory sense of the word?
During body safety assemblies when I speak to school kids about grooming, I say,
“I’m not talking about brushing your Golden Retriever’s fur.”
To me,
Grooming is the process a sexual predator uses to gain the trust of a potential victim and sometimes their family.
Here’s another definition:
There are multiple types of grooming, each with different grooming behaviors.
Signs of grooming children or teenagers for sexual abuse can look like:
- Compliments: “You should be a model! I can make that happen.”
- Gifts: “Here’s a phone. So we can talk all the time.”
- Emotional support: “No one understands you like I do.”
- Attention: “Man, if you were my kid, I’d hang out with you all the time!” This approach is especially effective when a child isn’t getting enough positive attention at home.
- Excitement: “Let’s go to the city for the weekend!”
The grooming of adults—a parent or guardian—can look like an individual being super helpful.
- “I’ll watch your kids so you can enjoy a girls’ night out.” Note: This tactic, if frequently used by a child’s parent (or other relative), could be a sign a mother or father is grooming his own child for future abuse.
- “Me and Joey’ll go to the store while you take Lauren for her doctor’s appointment.”
- “Your child is super talented. I could give them one-on-one coaching and instruction, work on getting them to the next level.”
- “Let me buy your family lunch. I’m happy to help.”
Want to see more potential signs a child predator is trying to gain your trust or your child’s?
For starters, what is a child predator?
According to WebMd, “While some sexual predators attempt to exploit adult victims, many are child sexual predators. These abusers have a distinct sexual preference for children. They look for minors, typically pre-pubescent (before puberty), and will build trust with their victim as a form of grooming.”
How does a child sexual predator gain access to your kid?
To learn the signs of a child sexual predator, check out this two-minute TikTok of a (hopefully reformed) child molester.
TRIGGER WARNING: The content of this video may make some people uncomfortable (ie. survivors of child sexual abuse).
In their efforts to groom children, predators aren’t just helpful to potential victims and their families.
Predators also assist one another, big time.
Experts in the child protection industry tell of chatrooms on the “Dark Web” where child sexual predators trade tips and tricks to help one another problem solve. Often for specific “challenges” such as:
- “There’s a new family in my neighborhood. Cute kids, but the dad is super protective.”
- “The girl I want to start grooming (or boy) is never alone. There are always tons of people at her/his house. What can I do?”
Documents exist sharing dozens of child predator how-to tips:
This image from the Child Rescue Coalition Instagram account.
All to say, there are sexual predators out there providing one another with pages of advice on how to gain close contact to little kids.
These devious individuals—male and female—are determined to get at your child for a variety of reasons:
- So they can obtain sexually explicit photos and videos of the child (aka CSAM: child sexual abuse material) to give away, trade, or sell to like-minded individuals. They may also want to “sextort” your child. Read about that here.
- To engage in sexually abusive activity with them.
- In order to sexually traffic them.
As you might expect, child sexual abuse harms kids in so many ways. To read more about the impact of child sexual abuse, click here.
By now you may be wondering:
How can parents, grandparents, educators, etc. protect against predators trying to groom girls and boys?
April has been named “National Child Abuse Prevention” month, but to me, every month is “Child Abuse Prevention” month.
Email me here if you’d like a list of my favorite child safety tips, my “Ultimate Teen Resource,” or both.
Also, just about every Tuesday, I post a child safety tip on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn. Here’s the one I did to educate people on the 5 signs of grooming. A woman direct messaged me recently saying after she watched this reel, she helped a girl get away from someone who was trying to groom her. That is so great!
In addition, there are some protective safeguards already in place, like:
Erin’s Law:
In the 38 states that have passed Erin’s Law, all public schools are required to provide a prevention-oriented child sexual abuse program to K-12 students at least once a school year.
Action step: If your state passed Erin’s Law, but your child has not yet seen a body safety presentation this academic year, call your school and ask them to provide one.
Hundreds of child advocacy centers nationwide support children who have experienced or witnessed hard things.
Across the US there are approximately 881 child advocacy centers, also known as CACs. CACs provide support to children who have experienced abuse, neglect, and/or have witnessed “hard things.”
The primary goal of the CAC in my area—the Monongalia County Children’s Advocacy Center—is “… to improve the lives of children in our community. Our vision is for every child in our community to be happy, healthy, and safe from abuse and violence.” The center works to both care for victims of abuse and prevent future abuse from happening.
Action step: Contact your closest CAC to schedule a tour. Also consider volunteering with a CAC. They are always looking for help!
Darkness to Light
The mission of the organization Darkness to Light is to empower adults to prevent child sexual abuse.
I love Darkness to Light. I frequently quote their statistics in blog posts and during in-person child abuse prevention presentations. A while back, I wrote this blog post about what I learned during an excellent Darkness to Light online training.
Action step: Consider signing up for an in-person or virtual “Stewards of Children” training.
The Brave Knight is a children’s book written to teach children what grooming looks like, sounds like, and feels like.
Back before the pandemic was a twinkle in the world’s eye, Robert Peters—founder of Shield Task Force, a nonprofit working to end child abuse—asked me to write a children’s book to show kids what grooming looks like, sounds like, and feels like. The Brave Knight, the book that resulted from that conversation, is now available on Amazon where to date, it has garnered dozens of 5-star reviews.
Action step: Buy a copy of The Brave Knight, read the story and the resource pages by yourself, then read the book with the kids you love. The Brave Knight not only protects kids against sexual predators who want to groom them for sexual abuse, the story also helps them handle bullies and friends headed down a bad path. I recommend reading The Brave Knight to children once a year to keep the concepts fresh in their mind.
After I wrote The Brave Knight I said, “I know I’ll write more books, but I don’t know that I’ll write a more important one.” And then I wrote my second book titled, Everyone Was Silent: A memoir, which tells the tale of my experience with sibling sexual abuse, an issue that affects one in 25 kids. Everyone Was Silent highlights how an older child grooms a boy, and later a girl, in order to sexually abuse them.
Though the content of this post is a bit heavy, I hope you feel encouraged by the resources I provided. For the sake of kids everywhere, please consider passing this blog post along to other parents, grandparents, educators, etc.. And be sure to:
Check back for more tips on how to keep the kids you love safe from harm.
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