Is this your world? Sisters fighting. Brothers battling. Teen siblings in conflict. Even toddlers showing sibling aggression. In your family, are the siblings fighting all the time? If so, is what you’re witnessing a sibling rivalry problem, or might the sibling aggression you’re seeing actually be sibling abuse?
To figure out how to handle siblings fighting, let’s start at the very beginning.
What is a sibling?
Merriam-Webster.com says a sibling is: “one of two or more individuals having one common parent.”
However, the Learning Network defines siblings as, “children who grow up in the same family, including step-children, foster children, adopted children, or children by birth.”
How ever you choose to define the word, according to worldmetrics.org,
“Approximately 80% of individuals have at least one sibling.”
Impressive statistic, but let’s move on to the reason you’re really here. Let’s talk about:
Why do siblings fight?
This is the million dollar question, right? Let’s make a list of the reasons kids rumble.
In their article on sibling aggression and abuse for TheConversation.com, University of New Hampshire researchers Corinna Tucker and Tanya Whitworth, provide these reasons for sibling conflict:
- Competition for the parents’ attention
- Parents modeling negative behaviors—ie. parental conflicts, violence, and harsh parenting—that are then repeated by children
- Family adversity—such as job loss, illness, and death
- Low empathy and anger on the part of the abusive sibling
My own family lived with one of the adversities listed above: my mother’s mental illness which she and my father kept a secret from us kids. In addition, one of my brothers definitely possessed low empathy levels. Not only that, our entire family found his anger issues signifcant and intimidating.
To read more about my lived experience with all forms of sibling harm, check out my book, Everyone Was Silent: A memoir.
Other reasons for sibling aggression include:
- mood disorders
- psychosis
- frustration
- impulsivity
- conduct disorders
- trauma
That list from the Learning Network.
Another reason for sibling conflict can be the perception that one child is loved more, or less, than the other kids in the family.
This was the case in my family. In addition to me and my three older brothers fighting all the time, one of my brothers seemed always to be “on the outside” of our family. He was the proverbial “third wheel” where my two oldest brothers were concerned. He believes, and I agree, our parents disciplined him more than the rest of us. If you’re familiar with the roles children take on in dysfunctional homes, this particular brother would be known as the scapegoat.
Our problematic sibling who was both a cruel and a controlling brother, beat up this seemingly less loved child on an almost daily basis. That brother in turn took out his frustrations on me. In fact, in my memoir I tell of the day when this brother choked me until I blacked out.
Our bully brother also verbally abused all of us siblings on a regular basis.
There’d be derogatory comments about our weight and looks, and corresponding dismal predictions about each of our future dating prospects.
Not all families are as conflict-prone as mine, but it made me wonder, is it possible to escape sibling squabbles, or:
Do all siblings fight?
According to Heather Rutherford at ParentingPartnership.com, “All siblings fight and argue. It is a normal and even healthy part of growing up.”
The Learning Network adds this concerning fact, “…studies across the U.S and U.K. indicate that sibling bullying is the most frequent form of maltreatment experienced by children.”
Egad! How much fighting are we talking about? Check out this sibling statistic from Jessica Grose who wrote an article titled, “The Psychology of Sibling Rivalry” for the New York Times:
“Observational studies have shown that sibling conflict may happen up to eight times an hour.”
While eight times an hour sounds about right for my brothers and me growing up, not all families deal with that level of sibling stress. Case in point: My husband and I raised three kids, now grown-and-flown, and our parenting experience was fairly sedate. While our two daughters went through a brief but intense season of sibling rivalry—bedroom doors slamming, hairbrushes flying through the air—their altercations were far from horrible.
But what if you’re not so fortunate and your living room becomes a boxing ring on a regular basis?
When push comes to shove—literally—is sibling fighting all that bad?
If as Heather Rutherford stated above, all siblings do indeed fight, is there a problem? Or is all this fussing and fighting “normal.” It all depends on what type of fighting we’re talking about.
A lot of parents think sibling fighting is the same thing as sibling rivalry.
Actually it’s not.
According to Andrea Marano, LCSW, sibling rivalry “…is the occurrence of jealousy, competition, and/or animosity that can occur between siblings.”
Under ordinary circumstances, sibling rivalry can look like wrestling, hitting, and bickering. It can even have a positive outcome. Sometimes the rivalry leads to competition among kids to outdo each other academically or in extracurricular activities. But without parental intervention, serious sibling confict can amp up to more problematic behavior.
In fact, in their article for TheConversation, Tucker and Whitworth report, “In 2013, using data from over 1,700 U.S. children, we found one-third of children under age 18 experienced physical, property, or psychological sibling victimization in the previous year. In fact,
Sibling aggression is the most common form of family violence, with more children victimized by a sibling than by a caregiver.
It’s a form of family violence not talked about, despite its ubiquity.”
Excuse me? Did the researchers just call kids, “violent?” Time to hit up the digital dictionary again. Dictionary.com defines violence as “rough or injurious physical force, action, or treatment.”
Does this describe your family’s circumstance?
If the sibling rivalry in your home has become “rough or injurious,” you may be dealing with sibling aggression. Or abuse.
In a PsychologyToday.com article, Tucker and Whitworth say, “Unlike (sibling) rivalry, aggressive sibling behaviors, including emotional, physical, and property aggression, are motivated by a desire to cause harm and suffering. Displays of emotional aggression include humiliation, threats, and intimidation.”
In my childhood home, I witnessed all of these types of aggression: threats, humiliation, and physical harm. Where my brothers thankfully were less rough with me, they did not hold back on one another, and as you might expect, our scapegoat brother bore the brunt of brotherly bullying.
If your family gets to this point, I suggest you seek professional help. For two reasons. Firstly,
If not dealt with properly, the effects of abusive sibling behavior can be long term.
I know from personal experience—cough, cough, read my memoir, cough—that the effects of sibling aggression and abuse can last a lifetime. Harvard Health Publishing reports that, “… a 2021 study on family dynamics links sibling bullying to a lower sense of competence, life satisfaction, and self-esteem in young adults. Earlier research found that being bullied by a sibling doubled the risk of depression and self-harm in early adulthood.”
In addition, on sibling abuse survivor support pages, I’ve read accounts of sibling bullying continuing into adulthood.
The Learning Network lists these additional adverse impacts for adults who experienced sibling violence:
- Psychological difficulties (e.g. depression, suicide, anxiety)
- Substance and alcohol misuse
- Repeated negative patterns and roles (e.g. revictimization in interpersonal relationships)
- Sexual promiscuity or avoidance
- Negative impacts on relational ties among siblings
Without being specific, I can attest to a number of these outcomes of sibling harm.
Another thing to be aware of is the fact that:
The relational damage can extend beyond the involved siblings.
In the past few years, I’ve read about multiple occasions where families mishandled sibling harm to such a degree the survivors chose to go “no contact” with their abuser, their parents or caregivers, and sometimes their entire family. As sad and mad as a survivor can be with the person who caused them harm—be it emotional, physical, or sexual—they can be more angry with their parents or caregivers for not believing their disclosure, not stopping the abuse, and/or not supporting them in the aftermath.
Clinical psychologist and nationally recognized expert on psychological trauma, Jim W. Hopper, PhD, explains it this way:
“…some people actually feel more anger toward a non-abusive adult who didn’t speak up than toward the person who actually hurt them. They may have expected the worst of the abuser, who was clearly deeply disturbed or had little or no concern for others, but expected better from someone who was otherwise mostly caring and worthy of trust. This anger at the person who failed to protect may be especially strong while the abuse is happening, or as one begins coming to grips with the consequences. But it can last for decades.”
In addition, according to Tucker, Whitworth, and psychotherapist Dr. Amy Meyers, who specializes in sibling relationships,
“Sibling victimization has also been linked to intimate partner violence and peer bullying.”
It’s important to note that:
Sibling abuse may include more than physical disputes.
If you’re a parent or caregiver, you probably know firsthand what physical sibling conflicts look like, but sibling harm can go beyond fist fights. Sibling abuse can also be emotional, psychological, or even sexual in nature. For more on sibling sexual abuse, read this blog post.
What does emotional, or psychological, abuse look like?
According to The LearningNetwork, “Psychological abuse is any act that diminishes a sibling’s sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth. (It) is likely to be constant and intense. Examples include ridicule and degradation, belittling, intimidation, scorn, provocation, destruction of possessions, and torturing and killing of a sibling’s pets.”
The third kind of sibling abuse—sibling sexual trauma or abuse—is believed to affect one in twenty five children.
Unfortunately, in some homes, all three types of sibling abuse happen. That was the case in my family. One brother abused me all three ways, and my other brothers and I abused each other verbally and physically to varying degrees on a reglar basis. Looking back, I believe:
If my parents had simply noticed and dealt with the majority of sibling chaos in our home, things would have been much different.
But is my theory correct? If sibling fighting happens in every family, and sometimes escalates to worrisome levels, what is the solution?
How do you stop siblings—young and old—from fighting?
If sibling strife is significantly affecting your family’s quality of life, it’s probably time for some sibling help. So what does that look like?
Doing the child safety work that I do, I now know there are therapists who specialize in sibling relationships. Therapists like Amy Meyers, mentioned above, who practices in New York. And Brad Watts, who specializes in sibling sexual abuse, practices in Virginia. Which means you can get your siblings therapy.
How I wish my parents had gotten my brothers and me into sibling therapy! As I mentioned in my blog post on sibling sexual abuse, when a sexually abusive youth receives therapeutic treatment, the chance of their sexually reoffending is reduced by 90%+. As such, I have to believe sibling therapy would yield results for other types of sibling harm.
If awesome resources on the topic of siblings fighting are more your speed, here are some of my favorites:
- The Learning Network’s PDF on Sibling Violence
- The University of New Hampshire’s resource: Promoting Postive Sibling Relationships
- Psychology Today’s Science of Siblings blog
- Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky–I adore her Instagram reels–has a workshop titled: Sibling Dynamics: Conflict Resolution and Building Strong Relationships. For the record, all of Dr. Becky’s parenting reels on Instagram are terrific!!
Want a list of strategies you can try today?
Here are several solutions for sibling fighting that I’ve collected (or invented) in my 20+ years as a mom.
- Show/model how to get along. Since children are wired to imitate, make sure to set a good example of peaceful behavior yourself.
- Praise positive sibling behavior. Make it a point to verbally affirm your kids when you see positive behavior happening such as showing empathy, compassion, or teamwork.
- Set clear family rules. I copied this one from Dr. Becky. She suggests having the family rule of “No hitting.” Check out my reel about this strategy here.
- Communicate consequences of fighting or abuse. Let your children know that if a fight breaks out, there will be a consequence. Perhaps you temporarily remove a treat or privilege. Figure out a consequence that makes sense and deters fighting.
- When you sense a fight coming, introduce a distraction. Suggest a walk. Or baking cookies, or creating a craft.
- Coach kids during conflict. Sometimes conflict can be a learning opportunity. If no one is getting hurt, offer pointers like: “Remember to take turns.” And, “Is that tone of voice kind?” Or, “Please use your words, not your fists.”
- Family meetings. Years ago, when I read about family meetings in a parenting magazine, our family decided to give them a try. Once a week after supper, we’d linger at the table for a family meeting. Family members could air grievances. Or make meal requests. We discussed birthday party ideas and potential family vacation locations. Our kids loved our family meetings, perhaps because they allow everyone to feel seen and heard.
I hope you found this article about fighting siblings (and abusive siblings) helpful. If you have questions or strategies that have worked for you, please contact me here ! I’d love to hear from you.
Remember to grab a copy of my memoir from Amazon for a more in-depth look at all three types of sibling abuse and the circumstances that allowed them to happen. Or, if you’d like a signed copy of Everyone Was Silent, click here.
