When you hear the term, “sex offender,” who do you imagine? A leering man in a windowless van? An oddball uncle or a coach? Most people picture a creepy male sexual predator. However, when I visualize my abuser, I see a smiling female sex offender who was an elementary teacher, a pillar of the community.
Guest blog post by Donna Bulatowicz Ph.D.
(Trigger Warning: This post describes events some may find disturbing.)
How common are female sex offenders?
Though research suggests more men than women sexually abuse children, female sex offenders are not rare.
Although women sex offenders make up a small percentage of convicted sexual predators, victimization surveys in the U.S. suggest up to 20% of sex offenders are female.
Now, what about when the sex offender is a teacher?
How common is sexual abuse by teachers?
Just like with female sex offenders, people may find it challenging to imagine educator sexual abuse: sexual abuse of a student by a teacher.
Teachers typically have a position of trust. In addition, some adults can’t imagine sexual abuse happening in schools. They think of schools as a refuge from predators. But that isn’t always the case.
A study in 2022 found that over 11% of respondents experienced sexual misconduct in schools by educators or other school staff.
The year before she was charged with sexually abusing a student, Jacqueline Ma won a California Teacher of the Year (TOY) Award.
Other TOY Award winners who have been charged with sexual abuse include: Brittany Lopez-Murray, Abdul Jameel Wright, Miguel Edgardo Ponce, and John Collett.
Articles about sexual misconduct in schools can include troubling terms and implications. Some headlines refer to it as a “school sex scandal.” Some use other language that softens the impact of what was done, describing sexual abuse as a “relationship,” or a teacher “having sex” with students.
Adults don’t “have sex” with children. They sexually abuse children.
Language that minimizes the nature and impacts of a teacher abusing a student harms survivors.
Exactly how do teachers abuse students?
Educator sexual predators typically “groom” their victim, as well as the adults around them. For more information on the grooming process, click here.
Based on personal experience,
My list of grooming behaviors includes:
- Selecting a victim
- The bonding process
- Isolating the child emotionally and physically
- Desensitizing the child to physical touch
- Adultification of the child
- Maintaining the abuser’s secret
My research also shows that:
Abusers are more likely to choose children who are:
- Lonely
- Abused
- Frequently (or never) in trouble
- Shy, quiet, and/or introverted
- Minoritized
- Bullied
Why did my teacher, a female sex offender, choose me?
One of my final years in elementary school started off with a loss. My best friend moved away. Consequently, I felt unmoored and lonely.
I had always felt different in ways I couldn’t define. While other girls obsessed over boy bands, I played with my toys, crafted, choreographed gymnastics routines, and devoured books.
Classmates and other students bullied me from kindergarten through high school. Perhaps because I was an undiagnosed autistic girl with deep empathy, sensory and emotional sensitivities, a strong sense of justice, and low self-esteem. When overwhelmed, I would shut down and not speak. As such, I was an easy target.
Plus, I was taught to always obey adults. In short, I was a predator’s ideal victim.
The female sex offender who abused me utilized these specific tactics:
Isolation.
My teacher called my parents to rave about my intelligence and passion for teaching, offering to mentor me outside of class. My parents enthusiastically approved. From that point on, she and I worked together to copy worksheets, get supplies, create bulletin boards, restock the school store, and more.
Desensitization to physical touch.
Starting the first day, my teacher kept putting her hands on me. I would move away, and she’d touch me somewhere else. My teacher tickled me, hugged me, cuddled me on her lap, kissed me, and otherwise was very physical with me.
The female sex offender who abused me—my teacher—treated me like an adult.
She asked me to be her best friend, shared secrets, and made me feel as if I was the center of her world.
My teacher also ensured I attached to her. She met my needs and fiercely protected me from bullying. In short, she turned into an ideal caregiver.
What impact does educator sexual abuse have on children?
Google the lasting impacts of child sexual abuse and you’ll find issues such as:
- mental health challenges
- scholastic repercussions and academic difficulties
- fear and anxiety
- truancy
- low self-esteem
- regressive behavior
But educator sexual abuse is unique. Read more about its implications in this article by Jennifer Fraser Ph.D. at psychologytoday.com.
Being abused by my female teacher, a female sex offender, affected me a number of ways.
I dreaded going to school. Because school no longer felt safe. I often panicked when I had to change for PE, especially when the female gym teachers were present. Despite my pleading, they wouldn’t allow me to change in a stall.
Due to my teacher’s abuse, I learned to dissociate and leave my body while she did her evil. I tried to be invisible to avoid abuse. In effect,
My teacher turned me into a ghost.
As a girl abused by a woman, I dealt with homophobic bullying. For example, a classmate who knew about the sexual abuse spread a rumor that my teacher made me gay, which led to increased emotional, physical, and sexual bullying, as well as threats to “F*** me straight.”
Because of the abuse, for the rest of my childhood, I buried my dream of becoming a teacher. I despised anything that reminded me of the female sex offender who abused me.
How do teachers who abuse students get caught?
Typically, if a teacher suspects a child is being abused, they are legally required to call child protective services (CPS). Unfortunately, teachers aren’t always trained about signs of abuse or mandatory reporting.
In my school, the other grade level teacher witnessed my teacher kissing me, touching my body, and coming out of the same bathroom stall as me. Even so, this teacher did nothing to help me.
I believe if my abusive teacher had been a man, the other teachers would have called CPS. Instead, they dismissed my teacher’s behavior as “being motherly” with me.
If the adults at a school don’t help a child who is being abused, then it’s up to the child to find someone who will. However,
Reporting abuse is challenging for adults. It’s even harder for children.
How and why I disclosed.
Children find it difficult to disclose for myriad reasons including:
- Not knowing how
- Threats from the abuser
- Fear of getting in trouble
- Feelings of shame or guilt
- Not knowing the abusive behavior is wrong
- Thinking no one will believe them
- Worry about losing the relationship
My teacher started threatening me immediately after she first stripped and molested me. She told me things like no one would believe me, I’d be in trouble, she’d kill my pets, and that my family would abandon me. Her threats mostly silenced me.
I also learned quickly that she wouldn’t hesitate to use violence to subdue me. If I tried to get away, she’d grab me, slap me, spank me, or tie me down using jump ropes.
Since I couldn’t stop her, I tried other ways to get help, such as through my behavior.
I went from being an obedient, polite, respectful child to one who defied her teacher.
More than once, I told adults that my teacher was too pushy, too handsy, and all over me all the time. I said I hated and feared her, and didn’t want to be around her. No one asked why. Instead, they told me to go to class, give her a chance, try harder, and obey her.
Nobody rescued me.
But one day,
Summoning up my courage, I went to the counselor’s office, shaking. I took a deep breath, hugged myself, and stated that my teacher had inappropriately touched me. Then I burst into tears, bending under the weight of grief, fear, panic, and relief.
Looking back…
With the benefit of hindsight, a few things are noteworthy.
What my parents did right.
My parents believed me immediately and apologized for not knowing. My dad took me to the police. He was a social worker who helped start the sexual abuse response team in our county, and he knew the officers.
I also started therapy with a child psychologist.
My parents bought me a small lock box and a journal so I could know my words were safe. They validated my anger at the teacher and kept as much normalcy as possible.
How the educational system failed me.
As a socially skilled pedophile, the teacher who abused me “groomed” everyone in the school so as to gain their trust. To do so, she presented as charming, gregarious, generous, hard-working, and dedicated. People saw her as a loving mother, faithful spouse, eager volunteer, passionate advocate, and devoted teacher.
Her carefully crafted facades paid off, allowing her to get away with the evil she did.
In time, the school district merely transferred my teacher to another school. Afterwards, her enablers retaliated against me: denying me honors I’d earned, humiliating me, and ruining my chances for some scholarships. Devastated, I escaped my hometown at 19.
How the legal system failed me.
The police claimed a woman wouldn’t molest a girl. As such, they chose not to conduct the same investigation against my female sex offender that they would have if she had been a man.
One officer even blamed me for her suicide threats.
What I’ve done to heal from my abuse at the hands of a female sex offender.
Two years ago, various synchronicities showed me I still needed to heal.
Talk, EMDR, and somatic therapy helped me process my memories and reconnect to my body. Art and written journaling help me process and release trauma. I’ve also joined online survivor groups and gone to one retreat.
I designed and presented sexual abuse education and prevention trainings to aspiring and current educators. I’m working on body safety trainings and curricula, as well.
My abuser and her enablers silenced me for decades. Now I’ve reclaimed my voice.
Final thoughts for dealing with child sexual abuse of any kind.
In closing, I would urge parents to listen to your child’s words and pay attention to their behavior. Ask a child to tell you more if you’re not sure what they mean. And if your child’s behavior changes, name the change and ask questions.
For more information on the topic of educator sexual abuse, check out this terrific website: SESAME.
Dr. Donna Bulatowicz is a survivor of educator sexual abuse. Although that experience temporarily derailed her dream of becoming a teacher, she decided not to let the abuser destroy that desire. She is currently teaching a children’s literature course, working on sexual abuse education and prevention materials, and writing children’s books.
