Question: Have you ever heard the term family estrangement? I ask because these days I hear the term a lot. So much so, I decided to take a deep dive into the topic. A natural place to start would probably be a definition, don’t you think?
Exactly what is family estrangement?
According to PsychologyToday.com, “Family estrangements occur when at least one family member begins distancing themselves from another because of longstanding negativity in their relationship.”
This made me wonder,
Which family relationships tend to experience estrangement?
Types of family estrangement include:
- Estranged parents—when things between parents and their adult children fall apart
- Estrangement of adult siblings—when adult siblings stop communicating with one another
- Grandparent estrangement—when grandchildren no longer speak to grandparents
- And more (ie. cousins, aunts and uncles, etc.)
What situations lead to family estrangement?
According to the above mentioned Psychology Today article,
When it comes to adult children ceasing communication with their parents, reasons include:
- Emotional abuse
- Mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships
- Clash of personality and values
- Neglect
- Issues relating to mental health problems
- Traumatic family event(s)
Other reasons exist for kids cutting off contact with their parents. For instance, Gaby Hinsliff writing for The Guardian reports, “Sometimes estrangement is a result of physical or sexual abuse, addiction or mental health issues on one side or the other (It’s not just children who cut parents off: sometimes it can be the other way around.).”
Hinsliff gave yet another reason for family estrangement. “Research shows that parental separation and remarriage is a risk factor, especially if the child dislikes a stepparent or feels pushed to take sides.”
And again, from the same PsychologyToday.com article,
Here’s a list of why adult siblings go “no contact,” the process of cutting ties entirely with someone.
- Mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships
- Clash of personality or values
- Emotional abuse
- (Parental) favoritism
- Traumatic event (Sometimes involving family, sometimes not.)
As mentioned above:
Abuse is another reason for family estrangement.
If a person has experienced emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse at the hands of a family member, they may feel further contact is not an option. Continuing to be in relationship with an abusive family member may actually feel dangerous.
But exactly how common is abuse among family members? In the field of child safety, professionals are well aware that:
Families are being torn apart on account of intrafamilial child sexual abuse (aka “incest”).
According to the National Children’s Alliance, of the 298,822 alleged offenders of children in 2023, 208,837 of the abusers were parents, stepparents, other relatives, and/or the parent’s boyfriend or girlfriend.
Wingsfound.org concurs, adding: “As often as 60% of the time, sexual abuse happens by someone to whom the child is related and may depend upon for care. This is called intrafamilial sexual abuse, or incest.”
How is sexual abuse by a family member different than abuse by a stranger or someone in the community?
The Center of Expertise on Child Sexual Abuse reports that, “Child sexual abuse in the family often starts at a younger age than extra-familial abuse and may go on for many years. Abuse by a family member, particularly a parent or carer, may be especially traumatic because of the betrayal, stigma and secrecy it involves.”
For the record,
Intrafamilial sexual abuse is not always at the hands of an adult.
I’ve heard of several instances of individuals being sexually traumatized or abused by cousins. Also gaining traction in the world of child safety is the concept of sibling sexual abuse (SSA). To read more about this issue, click here.
Since I’m a survivor of SSA, you can learn even more on the topic by reading my book, Everyone Was Silent: A memoir.
As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I’m in a number of peer survivor groups. As such, I frequently hear survivors state a myriad of reasons they cut ties with their families.
- Their family members don’t believe their disclosure.
- Family members want them to “forgive and forget.”
- Some or all family members side with the abuser (and/or make excuses for them).
- Family members say, “That was a long time ago. Can’t you just move on?”
- People in the family want holiday functions to go on per usual, with the survivor having to interact with the person who sexually abused them.
- Survivors don’t want to expose their own children to the person(s) who sexually abused them.
Strong opinions may also lead to family estrangement.
In a situation I experienced personally, differences of opinions on topics like politics, religion, race, and/or human sexuality became a relational deal breaker.
One day while I was out with a family member, they became extremely critical of a number of people groups. This wasn’t the first time, but because I wanted it to be the last, I stopped our conversation to speak my mind. “I don’t like hearing you speak unkind words about people of different races, sexual orientations, or economic circumstances. I also don’t need you pointing out people you find unattractive due to their weight, tattoos, piercings, or fashion choices.”
Since this person considers himself a person of faith, as do I, I added, “I believe we’re called to love all people unconditionally.” As you might expect, the rest of our outing was awkward and we’ve not had much communication since.
Here in the United States, I’ve heard of similar things happening due to politics. Family members have decided to not invite someone—or to not accept an invitation—to holiday gatherings, even weddings, because of opposing political opinions.
And that’s not all. While researching this topic,
One reason for family estrangement totally took me by surprise.
In addition to the above reasons for distance between family members, a podcast episode with Terri Cole and Dr. Joshua Coleman on the topic of family estrangement added another reason families fall apart. Therapy. Or rather, a therapist.
Sometimes a therapist will point out—accurately or not—ways in which parents or other family members failed, or allegedly harmed, their client. Whether the accusation is true or not, this can drive a relational wedge into a family. Especially if the parents (or other family members) believe the therapist incorrect in their assessment of the family system. Coleman’s professional expertise on the topic is rooted in such a circumstance.
In addition, a friend of mine experienced a similar situation. After a number of family counseling sessions with a therapist, it took my friend’s family years to heal and reconcile. To read more about this scenario, check out this article by Coleman.
Perhaps you’ve experienced this common family estrangement issue: fighting over a last will and testament.
Siblings fighting over a parent’s will often result in a family fallout. According to czepigalaw.com, “Inheritance is the #1 cause of adult sibling rivalry.”
This was the case with my family. When my mother passed, two out of three of my older brothers suddenly distrusted me and my husband. As a result, I opted to go “no contact” with all of them until my mother’s estate was executed.
So many friends of mine have shared similar stories of siblings fighting over their parents’ estate, that it feels like the norm, not the exception.
Having examined several reasons for family scuffles, I wondered:
How common is family estrangement?
According to a study quoted in a New Yorker article by Anna Russell,
“…twenty-seven percent of Americans are currently estranged from a relative.”
Wow, that’s a lot! If family split ups are so common, why are we only just now hearing about this issue?
In this article in Psychology today, Fern Schumer Chapman—author of Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation*—states, “A major reason for the paucity of studies examining family estrangement is the shame and humiliation that often accompany a breakdown in a relationship with an important family member.”
Why “shame and humiliation?” Because for some people, family estrangement feels like failure. Consider the following phrases. If you are estranged from a relative, has anyone you know said any of these phrases to you?
More than once, people have used these lines on me. Do I feel shame or humiliation when people offer this kind of advice? I do not. If I feel anything, it’s anger. Because,
No one has the right to tell another person how they should or shouldn’t feel.
For people in families where there’s been a relational stand-off,
What impact does family estrangement have on those involved?
Some people may feel positively liberated when things go all to heck. Now they can live their life the way they want to, having to answer to no one.
On the other hand,
Holidays and family events can be particularly painful for individuals who’ve gone “No Contact” with a family member.
According to AJ Skiera at The Harris Poll, “…the holiday season can also surface emotional wounds for those who are estranged from family members, friends, and other close relations.”
Individuals who’ve removed themselves from their family may want to create new traditions for the holidays, perhaps with new people.
Family estrangement may also lead to feelings of guilt.
People who’ve cut family ties may think things like:
- I should try harder to get along with so-and-so.
- He/she needs my help with their health—physical or mental.
- Blood is thicker than water.
- Surely they’ll eventually see the error of their ways and change.
However, if a family member hurts you again and again, it may be time to walk away.
If you find yourself outside your family of origin,
What are some best practices for dealing with family estrangement?
Read books on the topic.
- Joshua Coleman, mentioned above, wrote the book: Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.*
- Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation by Fern Schumer Chapman.*
Pursue professional help—possibly a therapist—for help sorting through your family’s situation.
If you live in the UK, check out standalone.org.uk, a nonprofit that supports people who are estranged from their family.
Their original founder, Dr. Becca Bland, offers digital courses for both estranged parents and estranged adult children. Read more about those offerings here. Or to check out Stand Alone’s online guides to help with different situations, visit here.
Finally, before you go “no contact” with your family,
Try setting boundaries.
In my relationship with my mother, I hit a point where I had to set boundaries. You can read more about the boundaries I put in place in my memoir, Everyone Was Silent, or in this blog post..
Pro-Tip: One of the things you may experience if you set boundaries is:
As I described in the blog post I mentioned above, my boundaries enraged my mother, but thankfully, I knew to expect pushback from reading the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life.* As the authors suggested, I held firm with the conditions I set up, and in time, my boundaries allowed my mom and me to have a civil relationship.
If you’re estranged from anyone in your family, I hope you find this post and the embedded resources helpful. And I hope it helps you feel less alone.
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