In April of 2024, my second book launched. Everyone Was Silent: A memoir* tells the story of my experience with sibling sexual abuse. Soon after the book hit Amazon, the DMs started to flow in—individuals writing to say, “Me too.” It didn’t take me long to figure out these messages represented an opportunity to learn more about this mysterious issue that affects one in 25 children. And so I asked each individual to tell me about the home where they grew up and also about their family. Perhaps their accounts would help me cobble together a list of the risk factors for sibling sexual abuse and trauma. Maybe the information they shared would help other parents prevent or recognize sibling sexual abuse and trauma.
But first I needed to promote my memoir. There were blog posts to publish, podcast interviews to record, and social media content to create.
My blog post on sibling sexual abuse (and trauma) is very popular.
Apparently, a whole lot of people want to learn more about “brother touching sister,” abusive sisters, brothers and sisters having sex, sibling abuse laws, and more. Unfortunately, many of those people are looking for salacious content of an incestuous nature. “Incestuous” meaning sexual activity between family members–ie. fathers and daughters or brothers and sisters. In an article for theconversation.com, “Why incest porn is more common and harmful than you think,” Clare McGlynn writes, “…by 2014, incest porn was on Pornhub’s list of most popular searches.”
According to McGlynn, the problem with pornography in general is that, “Porn, therefore, shapes our sexual scripts, the norms we internalise about what is expected, normal and acceptable in sexual relationships.” And with incestuous pornography specifically, “The prevalence of incest-themed content matters, as it normalises and legitimises ideas of sexual activity between family members—particularly involving young girls. When these messages are consumed by millions every day, the influence extends beyond individual users and filters into broader cultural attitudes.”
McGlynn’s theory played out in 2025 when HBO Max featured sibling sexual behavior in the third season of the popular show, “The White Lotus.” Conversation among child safety experts and sibling sexual abuse and trauma survivors blew up. As a result, I was interviewed on the topic in the following places:
- TMZ–(viewed 28k+ times!)
- SiblingsToo podcast
- The Mommunity Podcast on YouTube
But I digress!
While my blog post about sibling sexual abuse was very popular—almost as popular as the piece I wrote on child-on-child-sexual-abuse (COCSA)—on Instagram, my carousel on the nine risk factors for sibling sexual abuse (SSA) got so much engagement, I ran it twice in six months.
Curious as to what the risk factors are for sibling sexual abuse and trauma?
Here you go:
- sibling bullying
- absent parents
- power disparity
- parental favoritism
- domestic violence
- co-sleeping
- past sexual abuse (of the child causing harm)
- exposure to pornography
- knowledge gap
Pro-Tip: Over on Instagram, this carousel fleshes these ideas out further.
That list reflected my research on the topic up to that point, including two readings of the excellent book,
Recently though, my thoughts returned to all those DMs I received a year prior. I had to wonder:
Might the individual experiences of survivors of sibling sexual abuse and trauma reveal additional risk factors?
I re-read all their notes and made a list of the situations that showed up multiple times. Interestingly, I found that:
Survivors of sibling sexual abuse and trauma identified 15 risk factors present in their homes.
Here’s the risk factor list we “lived experience experts” came up with—in random order.
-A family member (sometimes more than one) lived with mental illness. Ie. “My mother was depressed, anxious, had panic attacks.”
-Substance abuse by a family member. My abusive brother partied all the time with alcohol and a number of drugs. Another survivor shared that her mother drank vodka. A lot.
-Chaotic home life: This was my experience. Lack of structure. Constant squabbles. An absence of consequences for poor behavior.
-A big family: Of the survivors I “surveyed,” most of us had two or more siblings. One survivor said she was one of five kids!
-Wanting a lock on their door: I shared this childhood desire of mine in this Instagram reel. A SSA/T survivor friend DMd me to share how she saved up her money to buy a lock for her bedroom door. Her father helped her install it. But never asked why she wanted it.
Survivors weighed in about their parents
-Parental absence (physical and/or emotional): A number of survivors mentioned their fathers working a lot. Others reported one or both parents being emotionally unavailable.
-Parents leaving siblings unattended. Or putting an older child (possibly the child who harmed) “in charge” of the siblings. One survivor shared why she thought her sibling was able to sexually harm her. “Negligence. My brother and I were left unattended for long periods of time.”
-The parents thought the sibling abuse—emotional, physical, and/or sexual—was merely sibling rivalry. Definitely read this blog post to learn why sibling abuse is not the same thing as sibling rivalry.
-When the survivor disclosed, their parent(s) scolded or shamed them. As for me, I remember my mom asking more than once, “Why didn’t you say something sooner?” I hated that!
-Mishandling of the situation by the parents after disclosure or discovery of the sibling sexual abuse or trauma. One survivor shared that her sibling sexual abuse and trauma went on for four more years after her mother caught her brother “in the act.”
-There were no (obvious) consequences for the child who caused harm.
Pro-Tip: When kids disclose, they want two things. 1) The abuse to stop, and 2) Their abuser to experience consequences. In my opinion.
And their siblings—the one who caused harm and otherwise
-The sibling who caused harm is believed (or known) to have a psychiatric diagnosis.
-The siblings who did not experience sexual harm have no interest in hearing about the abuse situation. One woman says she was asked multiple times: “Can’t you just get over it with some therapy?”
Another woman shared this about her negative disclosure experience. “When we have the courage to speak up and our family wants to shut us up, that’s worse than the abuse, in my opinion. Our family abandons us twice!”
The situation this survivor describes actually has a name. According to the Office of Victims for Crimes, “The emotional damage and social isolation caused by victimization can be compounded by a lack of support and even stigmatization by friends, family, and social institutions, producing a “second wound” for victims. The website with this quote is no longer active, but there is another one dedicated to this topic called, Dear Second Wound.
-The sibling who caused harm never got counseling.
-The sibling who caused harm is known (or suspected) to have gone on to sexually offend against other individuals.
I also asked these survivors what might have helped prevent their sibling sexual abuse or trauma.
Their answers are helpful. Illuminating. And heartbreaking.
One woman shared: “It just occurred to me that the SSA I suffered happened as a result of systemic severe emotional neglect. Had my parents been engaged and connected to their children, I don’t believe it would have happened.”
Another survivor had these suggestions: “Addressing it early if you’re a parent and you catch your kids engaging in this type of behavior. Seeking out resources/education to equip yourself on how to deal with it. Making a concerted effort to acknowledge and connect with your child if they’re a victim.”
Many of the survivors expressed the belief that the lack of a strong parent-child connection led to their sibling sexual trauma or abuse.
One woman shared deeply about connection. “I think that if my mother (and my father however he worked all the time) had just been more on the ball…. More nurturing…. More curious about the inner lives of her children (ultimately about herself) if she had simply tried to cultivate an atmosphere of trust and safety in the home, I don’t think the abuse could have happened. It never felt like a safe, cosy place.”
I agree 100% with these survivors that pursuing a secure parent-child connection is key to protecting your child from hard things. Research shows that kids are more inclined to disclose child sexual abuse (CSA) if they have a “safe adult.”
But how do you develop a secure parent-child connection? How do you become your child’s “safe adult?” I believe it’s through conversation. In fact, of all the child safety tips I teach parents, caregivers, and educators, daily deep conversation is my #1 tip. You can watch my reel on this topic here.
The rest of the story.
At a recent international Zoom event with other sibling sexual abuse and trauma survivors, I read my list of the risk factors I sourced from other SSA/T survivors. Right before I began, I asked everyone in the Zoom room to count how many of the listed situations applied to their childhood.
Some survivors counted two or three. Most counted nine or more. Some said their total was 11-12! It was a profound moment when we discovered how much we had in common.
In addition, we also discussed the homes where there were not a lot of risk factors. Two functioning loving parents. There were no drugs. No ongoing emotional or physical abuse between siblings. No chaos to speak of. The conclusion? We were reminded of what most of us already knew: Sibling sexual abuse and trauma happens in all types of families. That truth is stated in a headline on the homepage of 5Waves.org, the premier source of information on the topic of sibling sexual abuse and trauma.
“Sibling sexual trauma is real. It happens in all types of families. In fact, it is one of the most common forms of child sexual abuse both in the US and worldwide.”
If you’re a survivor of sibling sexual abuse or trauma, or a parent whose home it happened in, if you’re a child safety professional or educator, you can learn more about this topic at 5waves.org and its sister website: siblingsexualtrauma.com.
Another great resource on this topic is the TEDx talk given by my friend Jane Epstein in 2022. Jane literally cracked open the closet door of sibling sexual abuse. If you’re new to this subject, start here.
In addition, feel free to email me here with any questions you may have on this topic.
*This post includes affiliate links.
