For 50 years I always knew I would one day write my story—a tale of sibling sexual trauma and abuse.
For over a decade this work-in-progress was titled Butterfly Dust. Because as a survivor of child sexual abuse (CSA), I felt like a butterfly that was wrongly and casually touched. As a child, I’d always heard when the dust on a butterfly’s wings is disturbed, it will never fly again. The unwanted contact would damage the creature forever.
Are survivors like that? I wondered. Does CSA destroy every one of its victims for all time? The writing of my memoir helped me answer that question.
I wrote the first draft of my book Everyone Was Silent—a tale of sibling sexual trauma and abuse—almost twenty years ago.
So exactly how did the writing process play out for me?
If memory serves, my first draft exceeded 100,000 words. But then I attended two writing conferences inside of six months. One being Jerry B. Jenkins’s “Writing for the Soul” conference in Colorado. The other conference was the West Virginia Writers’ annual event in Ripley, West Virginia.
Both events illuminated a hard truth: I’d done things backwards.
The best way to write a book is to learn how to write well, then compose your passion project.
I’d written my manuscript before I knew much about writing a book-length project. So I set out to do things the right way.
A dozen plus writing conferences later, with countless craft books consumed, an MFA in creative nonfiction earned, and fifteen years of blogging (plus a few years writing a lifestyle column at a newspaper), I birthed the book I dreamed of in the fourth grade, Everyone Was Silent: A memoir.
With my children’s book, The Brave Knight, I gained much needed publishing and promotion experience.
But Everyone Was Silent is no children’s book. This project is a memoir, a family saga, a cautionary tale. More than once I’ve joked that my second book is a how-not-to-parent book. I love my parents—both gone now—but they made some key child-rearing mistakes. I won’t list their mothering and fathering failures here. That would steal the story’s thunder, as the saying goes.
Once my manuscript felt as solid as I could make it,
I asked the beloved West Virginia writer, Carter Seaton Taylor, to read the story and write a blurb for it.
Carter agreed and soon after, emailed me saying, “Do not self-publish this book! Who do you know in publishing? Surely you know someone you can ask to look at this.”
I did know someone. I knew Chris Fabry—author of 80+ published books, many set in West Virginia. Chris had attended Marshall University with one of my brothers. From time to time, I emailed him writing questions which he always answered graciously.
“Since everything is shut down due to the pandemic,” I asked him in an email, “do you perhaps have time to read my manuscript?” He generously agreed, and barely 24 hours later emailed me back saying,
“You have something really powerful here. It’s real and raw and true. My guess is you’ll help set some people free.”
Like Carter, Chris begged me not to self-publish my memoir. He even introduced me to two high level literary agents who did indeed like my wordsmithing.
However, a memoir is a tricky beast to pitch to an agent or sell to a publisher unless you’re a celebrity or an individual with tens of thousands of passionate fans. Especially if the project is about sexual abuse. And even more so if the story is about “intrafamilial child sexual abuse.” In fact,
During grad school, a high-level New York agent literally stopped me during my pitch, cringing. “Never use the word ‘incest’ with a publishing professional again. It’s gross!”
Discouraged by the obstacles I encountered with traditional publishing, I considered hybrid publishing. With this process, the author is expected to partner with the publisher financially. I Googled hybrid publishers and submitted Butterfly Dust to the one with the best reputation at the time.
Since we were still in the pandemic, the hybrid publisher arranged for me to Zoom with their acquisitions editor. Something she said about my story changed everything.
“Know what I kept thinking while I read your manuscript? Everyone was silent.”
After a moment of stunned silence, I whispered, “I think you just renamed my book.” She smiled and confessed coming up with book titles was one of her superpowers.
A few days later, I had an offer from the hybrid publisher to print my book. For a “pretty penny,” as my father would have said. Thrilled but also conflicted, I called Chris to tell him about the offer.
“Do not pay anyone to publish your work. Ever,” he insisted.
So I didn’t. Instead, I decided to indie publish Everyone Was Silent: A memoir myself. Like I did The Brave Knight. The only question was when to launch.
Fast forward to 2023 when the main theme of my story—sibling sexual trauma and abuse—started gaining traction.
In 2022 Jane Epstein gave a TEDx talk on the topic of sibling sexual trauma and abuse. In addition, she was interviewed for an article in People magazine on the subject. Then I discovered an international organization dedicated to educating people on the issue of SSTA: 5WAVES.org. That’s when I knew it was go-time. And so,
- I polished my manuscript one last time.
- Then I interviewed three potential developmental editors and hired one of them, an American living in France, who was amazing. I honestly believe she made the project ten times better.
- Cross Lanes, WV native Don Patton—who designed the cover of The Brave Knight—agreed to design the memoir’s cover.
And soon after, I held yet another book baby in my hands, the one I always knew I’d write.
Set in West Virginia, Everyone Was Silent spans two hundred fifty pages and dips in and out of four decades.
The story is gritty, but flashes of dark humor brighten it from time to time. If you lived through the seventies, you’ll enjoy many mentions from that time period.
At its core, Everyone Was Silent: A memoir is about family.
Not everyone has experienced sibling sexual trauma and abuse, but we all have a mother and a father, and most of us have siblings.
Now to “sell” you on the book, here’s my “elevator pitch” for the project.
If you or someone you know has been affected by the issue of sibling sexual trauma and abuse (SSTA), I hope you will grab a copy of Everyone Was Silent: a memoir. Even if your family has not experienced SSTA, the book has earned a 4.9 rating on Amazon thanks to over 100 reviews. Customers describe the book as, “heart-wrenching and full of heartfelt moments, serving as a testament to the power of hope and resilience.”
Both of my books are available on Amazon.com. Or, if you’d like signed copies of either book, visit my website store.
But wait. There’s more!
My sibling sexual trauma and abuse tale has been made—not into a movie—but into an online course!
My child safety mentor and collaborator, Kimberly King (@toughtopicsmom on social media), and I just launched an eight-module online course titled “Raising Safe Siblings.” The course talks about more than sibling sexual trauma and abuse (SSTA), because siblings can harm one another in three ways, not just one. The three types of sibling harm are:
- psychological
- physical
- sexual
“Raising Safe Siblings” is everything Kimberly and I know about the subject of sibling harm. Between us we have 30+ years of experience in the field of child safety. Kimberly has a background in early childhood development, and she’s a kindergarten teacher. She also wrote the first of its kind child safety book back in 2009.
I Said No! A Kid-to-Kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private has sold over 300,000 copies to date! I Said No is such a ground-breaking book, it was re-released last fall with new illustrations and updated information.
As for my credentials, I have a decade (at least) of lived experience with sibling sexual trauma and abuse, as well as psychological and physical abuse. I’m also a body safety educator in public schools in West Virginia. I wrote the two books mentioned above, and I’m a journalist by trade. In addition, I create and publish child safety content for this blog, social media, and in-person events.
“Raising Safe Siblings” is the child safety resource Kimberly and I wish we’d had when we were raising our children.
Let’s talk specifics. What does the “Raising Safe Siblings” course include? Great question. Packed into eight modules is the following:
- Myths surrounding the topic of sibling sexual abuse
- Signs of sibling abuse: psychological, physical, and sexual
- Impacts of sibling abuse
- Risk factors of sibling abuse
- How to prevent the three kinds of sibling abuse
- Information on abusive brothers, abusive sisters, and extreme sibling rivalry
- What to do if you discover sibling sexual trauma and abuse is happening in your family
- Research on all three types of sibling abuse
- Anecdotal stories from survivors and parents about sibling harm
- Frequently asked questions about the three kinds of sibling abuse
In addition, you’ll get a workbook to take notes in as you work through the course. And also a comprehensive PDF of our favorite resources pertaining to sibling safety.
FUN FACT: Our prevention module has 29 strategies for parents to try. And that’s just ONE module!
To preview Module #1 of “Raising Safe Siblings” for FREE, click here.
Kimberly and I are thrilled that 5WAVES—the world’s leading organization working in the area of sibling sexual trauma and abuse (SSTA)—has viewed the course and given it their stamp of approval. Check out 5WAVES founder Jane Epstein’s thoughts on the course here.
The leadership of the excellent organization Incest Aware, that does valuable work in the area of intrafamilial child sexual abuse education and prevention, are also fans of our course and are promoting it in their May newsletter.
A number of other child safety organizations are checking out the course, as well. We’ll update this post to include them as they commit to collaborating with us on this project.
“Raising Safe Siblings” is dedicated to all the survivors and parents who Googled the topic of sibling sexual trauma and abuse through the years and found NOTHING.
Thanks to “Raising Safe Siblings,” people caught up in one of the most difficult situations a family can face will now find a treasure trove of helpful information when they Google, “Sibling Sexual Abuse… Siblings who harm… Siblings who abuse… Sibling violence…. What to do when your child hurts another child…”
